Today like around 1:45 pm some randome guy walks in to my moms business, he looks around and seems a little be lost. I happen to be by the door when he walked in and he introduced himself as "the new pepsi delivery guy". A farely attractive man, only in his twenties, tall, handsome, strong voice, and very VERY built...in other words...hes hot!
I just stood there look up and proceeded to say between giggles "wow, you're very tall" he looked at me and winked...lord I'll be damned, i literally went weak on my knees. Then after my own little minute in heaven i kept stearing at him. He waved his hand infront of my face and said "I have a delivery, where should I drop it off?" I kept stearing not even caring if I was being obvious about the whole thing and literally whiping the drool off my mouth and said with a tremble in my voice "by...the doors?" He smiled and sarcastically said "doors? which one?" i antisipated before he could say anything else and made me look like a total morron and corrected myself "well...door" I walked towards the kitchen laughing at myself thinking of how stupid i had looked.
He did his job, unloaded the turck and as he was sitting down the merchendise I couldnt help but to stare as he was bending over. lol. he then porceeded to say. "hey, I'm new to this town and I was wondering if you could help me?" Excuse me! help?! uhmmmm...."sure" he then said "well...dont make a deal about it...but" i could see he was getting nervous to ask but the he proceeded to ask "i want to go out tonight" I could see where all this was going, so....i played dumb. I asked him if he was looking for a bar and he said yes. So, I named all the bars I could think of except for one. I knew i was going to bring it up sooner or later but I had to wait and see where all this was going. Then, he looked around him, leaned over and whispered "any gay bars in this town?"...as the tease that I am I proceeded to say with a laugh "this is a christian town you know..." I have never seen someone look so unconfortable and red! Then I laughed again and said "yes, theres is one and its located on s.1st" We talked about the bar, he invated me to go, but I said no.
After he left my mom noticed that I was talking to the delivery guy and asked me what were we talking about. I just mentioned to her that he was looking for a place to go tonight and I told him of some places he could go. My mom looked at me and said "you should of invated him to that one gay bar" I laughed, I told her that I mentioned it to him and that he had invated me but I said no. She slaped me behind my head and said "Are you stupid?! He's cute and very masculine looking....you should of given him your number!!!" I rolled my eyes at her and walked away.
I dont know what was more awquard, me standing there like if I had down-cyndrome or my mom trying to tell me to hook up with the pepsi delivery guy?. oh well...I'm pretty sure I will get to see him again...after we run out of pepsi...and lord I hope its soon, just having that eye candy for one day made my whole entire evening! what can I say... little things in life keep me satisfied.
jonathan.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
TORTURE, LIFE IS FEAR
So, I guess its time to confess. I guess i'm suppose to do this as if I was in a AA meeting....hi, my name is jonathan and I'm a homosexual. Yes, I guess its a little too late to be thinking that I'm coming out of the closet...but to some, its a lil tad too early.
My grandparents are coming to town from mexico for a short vist, I can hardly hold a tight grip of the overwhelming feeling. I havent seen them in five years. Alot has happened and alot has to be told.
My grandmother in one hand, she has an idea of whats really going on. I havent really bluntly have told her that I, her grandson doesnt really have the attraction for the opposite sex. She hassels me about not having a gf, she compares me with my other cousins (male cousins). the only reason why I tell her that I dont have a gf is because I carry the Masias gene on my granfathers side of the family. All but one is married and thats my grandfather.
she laughs and says that thats not a way to live. well, I agree, it isnt. I dont want to grow old and have noone by my side. thats just a fictional thought as I am capable to love and to be loved in return. But, to them love can only be shared between a men and a women..."true love".
My grandfather is who I fear the most. He fallows the bible down to the last punctuation. I can hardly immagine what his reaction would be. If he would love me still, if he would look at me the same way he did five years ago, will he still grab my nose and prettend he has it in a tight grip between his fingers? yes, he did that when I was 16 and it got me...it made me laugh and giggle. I love him with all my heart, he is as a matter of fact the only father figure I have in my life. as we all know, my father hasnt been part of my life since I was 10 so the only person I could turn to was him.
the only rejection that will haunt me for EVER will be the one coming from him. I want him to accept me for who I am. He once told me to show my true colors and I am willing to show and let him know who I am. I'm scared, I fear that I will lose the only love that I know is genuin from a male figure. My grandfather, i wouldnt know what to do without him.
My grandparents are coming to town from mexico for a short vist, I can hardly hold a tight grip of the overwhelming feeling. I havent seen them in five years. Alot has happened and alot has to be told.
My grandmother in one hand, she has an idea of whats really going on. I havent really bluntly have told her that I, her grandson doesnt really have the attraction for the opposite sex. She hassels me about not having a gf, she compares me with my other cousins (male cousins). the only reason why I tell her that I dont have a gf is because I carry the Masias gene on my granfathers side of the family. All but one is married and thats my grandfather.
she laughs and says that thats not a way to live. well, I agree, it isnt. I dont want to grow old and have noone by my side. thats just a fictional thought as I am capable to love and to be loved in return. But, to them love can only be shared between a men and a women..."true love".
My grandfather is who I fear the most. He fallows the bible down to the last punctuation. I can hardly immagine what his reaction would be. If he would love me still, if he would look at me the same way he did five years ago, will he still grab my nose and prettend he has it in a tight grip between his fingers? yes, he did that when I was 16 and it got me...it made me laugh and giggle. I love him with all my heart, he is as a matter of fact the only father figure I have in my life. as we all know, my father hasnt been part of my life since I was 10 so the only person I could turn to was him.
the only rejection that will haunt me for EVER will be the one coming from him. I want him to accept me for who I am. He once told me to show my true colors and I am willing to show and let him know who I am. I'm scared, I fear that I will lose the only love that I know is genuin from a male figure. My grandfather, i wouldnt know what to do without him.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
FOR THE SAKE OF ALISHA
i guess I havent been posting much since i started my fasting...lol...and no, it wasnt for thirty days. it was a lil bit less than that or it could quiet possitively still be going till now. I cant complain, I've lost a suficiant amount of weight and I'll be honest...i want to lose more. but now that I have gotten rid of the standard "over weight" mass its has become a lil bit more complicated to lose more. I eat now, once a day lol but i eat till I cannot go on. One thing I have come to realize is that no matter how much fatter/skinnier i get...I will never be happy with my body. So, yeah...at times I thought it was completly pointless to not be eating a hamburger, a slice of pizza, chips...whatever. But if I did...I would feel so guilty about consuming what I had eaten. Sounds like I'm on the verge of an eating dissorter, face it...not eating for three days was asking to have one. Shocking? nawh, dont worry. no pain no gain! but what if you had gone thru all the pain and yet...no gain...well atleast I think...i mean, I havent seen very much difference on my body size and/or apperiance....that puts be back into "i'll never be happy with my body...EVER!"
Friends say that they see a difference, but I dont! Another thing is ...you notice things about your body that others dont see. Who knows your body better than yourself? the answer is right there...nobody else but you. I see flaws that you dont see...i see this and I see that....why? i've lived in this body for 21 yrs, I know every frekle, every mark, every wierd part that I dont like. so therefore...i will always see what you dont see. Yeah, I joke around, making dumb jokes about me being hott and being all that, but I just do it so I wont show what really goes thru my mind.
but I guess at the moment I am a lil bit happy about the way I look...even though a shirt may fit me tight here and it might feel a lil too wierd there. I get my "I'm fat" moments...and I dont think they will ever go away. Everyone has them, right?
Friends say that they see a difference, but I dont! Another thing is ...you notice things about your body that others dont see. Who knows your body better than yourself? the answer is right there...nobody else but you. I see flaws that you dont see...i see this and I see that....why? i've lived in this body for 21 yrs, I know every frekle, every mark, every wierd part that I dont like. so therefore...i will always see what you dont see. Yeah, I joke around, making dumb jokes about me being hott and being all that, but I just do it so I wont show what really goes thru my mind.
but I guess at the moment I am a lil bit happy about the way I look...even though a shirt may fit me tight here and it might feel a lil too wierd there. I get my "I'm fat" moments...and I dont think they will ever go away. Everyone has them, right?
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