FOR THE SAKE OF ALISHA

i guess I havent been posting much since i started my fasting...lol...and no, it wasnt for thirty days. it was a lil bit less than that or it could quiet possitively still be going till now. I cant complain, I've lost a suficiant amount of weight and I'll be honest...i want to lose more. but now that I have gotten rid of the standard "over weight" mass its has become a lil bit more complicated to lose more. I eat now, once a day lol but i eat till I cannot go on. One thing I have come to realize is that no matter how much fatter/skinnier i get...I will never be happy with my body. So, yeah...at times I thought it was completly pointless to not be eating a hamburger, a slice of pizza, chips...whatever. But if I did...I would feel so guilty about consuming what I had eaten. Sounds like I'm on the verge of an eating dissorter, face it...not eating for three days was asking to have one. Shocking? nawh, dont worry. no pain no gain! but what if you had gone thru all the pain and yet...no gain...well atleast I think...i mean, I havent seen very much difference on my body size and/or apperiance....that puts be back into "i'll never be happy with my body...EVER!"

Friends say that they see a difference, but I dont! Another thing is ...you notice things about your body that others dont see. Who knows your body better than yourself? the answer is right there...nobody else but you. I see flaws that you dont see...i see this and I see that....why? i've lived in this body for 21 yrs, I know every frekle, every mark, every wierd part that I dont like. so therefore...i will always see what you dont see. Yeah, I joke around, making dumb jokes about me being hott and being all that, but I just do it so I wont show what really goes thru my mind.

but I guess at the moment I am a lil bit happy about the way I look...even though a shirt may fit me tight here and it might feel a lil too wierd there. I get my "I'm fat" moments...and I dont think they will ever go away. Everyone has them, right?