STILL IN MEXICO

filth, lots and lots of dirty and...more dirt. I even closed my eyes wished it was clean, at least like abilene and lest face it, abilene isnt the cleanest of them all. but I closed and my eyes and saw the same damn thing...FILTH. I´m not trashtalking this country, it is beautiful and the people could be nicer. The filth of it all its what gets to me, I feel dirty and I have to atleast shower two times a day because of how dirty I feel. My experiance here is going great so far but if it wasnt for the filth that 90% could quiet possibly be a 100%.

and not to mention that I miss my family and friends so much, I sit in bed thinking of what they could be doing. I think I need to get out and find friends or atleast people to chat with. it gets awfuly lonely in this place. I have a 3 yr old cousin who lives next door to my grandparents...and he has been my company and friend this past week. He reminds me so much of my little brother. My mom, who would of thought taht after not gettting along for so long...now I miss her dearly. even thinking about her makes me want to cry.

I dont know...I guess this is all going to be for the better of it all. or it could turn into the worst...I´ve yet not started my job...school starts until august...and what do i do during my free time? sleep, eat, and watch tv. I have become a sloib lol...which in all honesty in humours me. And the boys...NOT CUTE AT ALL!!! I have never been attracted to mexicans...I look out my grandmothers balcony and blah...all i see are tall dark and NOT handsome guys! it sucks...oh yeah, did I mention that nooone in my family down here knows that I¨m gay! shocker! i know... i hate it. why? because I cannot go to a gay club, I have yet not learned my way around this huge city...so I cant go places alone...jjust like i would if I was terrebly bored in Abilene....

you only suffer a lil to succeed in life...

and someone how...I feel like this is going to make me grow as a person.

I'M IN MEXICO

....and the party, well, lets just say that I'm not made for the "mexican ways to party" I went to 8 segundos and they wait to go in the club a.k.a antro is insane. People rubbing their bodies against you while trying to get in line and people not minding their business and putting every possible part of their body near you. It totally bothers me to have some complete stranger all up on my business.

after the insine wait outside the club something totally insane totally wierd, awkard, inside (as well) happened...I got patted down like some kind of criminal, touched and violated.

it was crouded, loud and alot of people dancing in wierd ways...ways that i havent seen someone dance like that. They danced pretty well, and I kept drinking...my cousin prepared my drinks...shes the alcoholic of the family and lord were they strong. I was gone in a flash. to the point to where I puked in my uncles car and I didnt feel so well after a while...well a long while till my aunt tucked me in bed. I woke up like around ten with the the hangover from hell. (i thought I have had one, but lord, I guess there will always be a hangover that will top the worst) and today will get the number one. I felt drunk this morning...

and the thing that i totally did not expect was my uncle giving me drinking tips...and well, yeah...i think i moved into the right part of the family...

computer about to die...will be back later.

I JUST CAME TO SAY GOOD BYE!

...its a beautiful day outside

too bad I'm not in the mood for such a bright day.

i dont kow what to make of today

I dont know if I want to cry

I dont know if I want to laugh

I hate wasting my life debating... when its quiet obvious that I have EVERYTHING

to not make it such a horrible thing.

I'm gonna miss my friends...speically shawn

today will be the last day to see him

maybe thats why I feel like this?

maybe I'm just pathetic and cant let go of the good things in life?

I guess I'm greedy

and I have every right to be

I hate it!

sooo...i have to say good bye

to all the good things

all the good friends

all the good people

that have crossed my path!

i love you; Alisha, Shawn, Roco, Jory, Nicole, and Melinda!

I will miss you very much!

good bye

adios

jonathan.

WAITING FOR THE PARTY TO START

I'm sitting here at Jacobs apt. waiting for him to get all women-ised! apperantly it takes him two hours the get dressed...what a women! lord! but I cant complain I'm sitting here sipping on diet coke and vodka. Getting the party mood started! I want to be buzzed or at least start getting to feel good.

I'm also waiting for that party animal bud of mine! Roco! we's gonna tare the dance floor tonight! So, as I'm here waiting for that pretty red head of mine to get here and that drag queen friend of mine finish getting ready I will type a meaningless blog about...yep, noting!

why wont I start as how my day went about? I woke up early, for a sat it was damn early. 10 o clock it was. I had to drive to wal-mart and get my oil changed. I have never been there... it was my first time going there to get my oil changed and sertantly it will be my last. it took them nearly three hours to get that shit fixed. It is a pretty cheap place to get it done at. only 26 dollars.

In all do respect to wal-mart, I preffer doing it at the Quick Lube Car Wash. It nearly 40 dollars but fast and they vaccum the inside of it. No bad! n-e ways it was hell waiting there for nearly three hours. To top the ice cream with a cherry on top...i had my little brother with me. Naggingj every 30 minutes..."when is the car ready! I'm ready to go home!" I rolled my eyes and being ennoyed, I proceeded to say "NEVER! if you dont shut up!" he said oh and looked down and started to read the comics on the news paper.

so finally we got done in time to run to the mall and buy a shirt that I had seen in Holiester...if I may add...it looks pretty darn cute on me!

after running to the mall in a hurry I had to haul ass and pick up my mother from work. got home and did absolutely nothing. layed in bed and watched Americans Next Top Model...the same season that is always on MTV...Neima wins...lol...but I love watching it...i have always had a passion for fashion...that totally rhymed.

so yeah...got in a fight with my mom about the car...she ended up not letting take it out tonight so I called jacob in a desperate need of help...telling him that I wasnt going to go out because I didnt have a way to get around and he generously offered to pick me up.

he did...and here i am...threaten him to be ready by eleven or else! I would cut his chonga off! lol

and I still dont see him even starting to get ready and my roco isnt here yet! where could she be...she does live like on the other side of town. by this time she should be here...because my vodka is surely kicking in! and I dont want to get ahead of the gang!

I think I should call her, right now.....cant find the phone...

uhmm...yeah...i guess I should go and watch some videos on youtube or something...

later gay-ters!

HANGOVERS AND MANY MORE TO COME!

Last night was amazing....

I downed two tequila shots at the bar before the "happy hour" was over...in the time frame of 30 mins i had taken two tequila shots and two diet coke and rum!....you should of seen how gone I was by the time the night was over...

then...after party! more alcohol!! I was sooooo drunk

I was sooooo gone

and now...I'm paying for it

I havent had anything to drink in about six months....and I think I had the worst hangover of my life...I woke up at nine to go to church went out eat with my family....came back and felt so sick that i puked my brains out...I went to bed around 1-ish p.m. woke up like around six thinking about roco and actually wondering how she felt because she was aswell a little loopy and too happy for her own good...haha...i love taking her out...atleast she dances and shes down for a good time...but after calling her...I went back to sleep and here I am...still with a head ache and feeling thirsty as hell

I'm not one of those party boys...used to be...and seriously...dont know how I used to do it...

i feel like shit

but its all over happening again next sat! I think! lol...

ciao,
jonathan.

I MISS HIM

My mother tells me stories about my dad. Stories that make me laugh and smile. One of my favorites out of many is the one about him going to work....

She said that before he used to leave home for work I used to stand by the door with the saddest look on my face. My dad would walk back and handed me his favorite pen. Then he told me to write all the awful things that happen while he wasnt at home . "I'll be back and fix everything for you..." I remember wirtting "i miss daddy" at nine that had to be my most awful thing that could ever happen to me. I remember being the only thing on the paper. Then he came back home handed him the paper with "i miss daddy" written as big as the paper in childish writting. "This is something that is easily fixed, I'll be here till you have enough of me"...

well daddy...now that you're gone...the list goes on and on and on. I never really had enough of you. I miss you, I want you here with me...by my side. "i miss daddy" will always and forever be number one on my never ending list... the rest doesnt matter...as long i'll stop missing you, everyitng will be fixed.

....

when he used to leave the house and not take me with him. he used to tell me "dont move, I'll be right back" I stood there in a fronzen like pose until he left and shut the door I would run to mom and told her "we cant go anywhere..." My dad used to alway call my mom before arriving home, then my mom would warn me and told me that dad was going to be home soon, I ran towards where he had left me and had told me to stay and not to move. I would here the door crack open and suddenly I would stop moving....he played along and pretended to be amazed that i was waiting for him in the same position since he left the house.

And you know....I hate having this stupid reality check...because no matter how much I would pretend not to move...he wont be back...

I hate this days...the days when we get close to the aniversary of his death....its not like his not on my mind 24/7 as it is...but the thought of the day when he passed away being sooo close...makes things hurt and feel horrible at the same time.

i miss him.

Jonathan.

I JUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK, BUT IT WONT

I keep telling myself that everything is going to be alright, ok, fine, and deft better. This could be a dejavou of my fathers death. I can remember it like it all happened yesterday. I walked in his room, looked at him and walked towards his bed. I stood next to him and held his hand. He woke up after feeling my hand holding his, looked at me and said; "You, you'r sister and you'r mother have been one of the many blessigs in my life."... I tried to listen to the rest of what he said, but all i can think of and see, were the wires covering his body, tubes all over his face and actually feeling the pain or atleast what i thought he felt at that moment. He let go of my hand, I came back to my senses and heard him say "everything will be fine, and thats another promise i will keep."

I sat there for about an hour waiting for him to fall asleep, cried a little and realized that in fact everything WAS going to be fine everything was going to be normal and everything was going to work out just perfect. He's my dad! He never lies and he always keeps his promises. I got up kissed him on the cheek and walked out to the waiting room.

I sat there for thirty minutes with one thing in my mind. His voice was in the back of my head, his words that ment so much to me branded so deeply that I sarted to believe that in fact everything will be fine. Then after ignoring reality, my mother comes towards me and my sister sobbing histerically, crying, and screaming. Right after seeing my mom in so much pain and seing the look on her face. I felt like the world litterally stoped, I got up and the drop to my knees and remember yelling out his name "daddy". losing my father at the age of 15 was cursial. I have never felt so hopeless, so empty, so incompetant. After crying for hours the doctor approached my family and said that he died not long after i had left the room. I was there right when he was going away...forever. I was the last one who he said goodbye to.

So, with all this running through my mind. I came to realize last night that I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm scared of believing that "EVERYTHING WILL BE OK" I cant plan ahead, I cant look into the future, beacuse everything will wither away just like he did. I started to believe in his promise and set myself to my own dissapointement.

I have planed my future and my life, because thats they way its suppose to be. This is the way that everyone lives theirs lifes. The only difference in my goals and plans is that thats just what they are...plans. Nothing more. Everything will change and if in fact I do achieve this goals in life. I wont be able to sharish them to the fullest, because just like he dessapeared from my life in the blink of an eye, I can loose everything.

Nothing is forever...i live my life as if everyday were to be my last.


JONATHAN.