I MISS HIM

My mother tells me stories about my dad. Stories that make me laugh and smile. One of my favorites out of many is the one about him going to work....

She said that before he used to leave home for work I used to stand by the door with the saddest look on my face. My dad would walk back and handed me his favorite pen. Then he told me to write all the awful things that happen while he wasnt at home . "I'll be back and fix everything for you..." I remember wirtting "i miss daddy" at nine that had to be my most awful thing that could ever happen to me. I remember being the only thing on the paper. Then he came back home handed him the paper with "i miss daddy" written as big as the paper in childish writting. "This is something that is easily fixed, I'll be here till you have enough of me"...

well daddy...now that you're gone...the list goes on and on and on. I never really had enough of you. I miss you, I want you here with me...by my side. "i miss daddy" will always and forever be number one on my never ending list... the rest doesnt matter...as long i'll stop missing you, everyitng will be fixed.

....

when he used to leave the house and not take me with him. he used to tell me "dont move, I'll be right back" I stood there in a fronzen like pose until he left and shut the door I would run to mom and told her "we cant go anywhere..." My dad used to alway call my mom before arriving home, then my mom would warn me and told me that dad was going to be home soon, I ran towards where he had left me and had told me to stay and not to move. I would here the door crack open and suddenly I would stop moving....he played along and pretended to be amazed that i was waiting for him in the same position since he left the house.

And you know....I hate having this stupid reality check...because no matter how much I would pretend not to move...he wont be back...

I hate this days...the days when we get close to the aniversary of his death....its not like his not on my mind 24/7 as it is...but the thought of the day when he passed away being sooo close...makes things hurt and feel horrible at the same time.

i miss him.

Jonathan.