I JUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK, BUT IT WONT

I keep telling myself that everything is going to be alright, ok, fine, and deft better. This could be a dejavou of my fathers death. I can remember it like it all happened yesterday. I walked in his room, looked at him and walked towards his bed. I stood next to him and held his hand. He woke up after feeling my hand holding his, looked at me and said; "You, you'r sister and you'r mother have been one of the many blessigs in my life."... I tried to listen to the rest of what he said, but all i can think of and see, were the wires covering his body, tubes all over his face and actually feeling the pain or atleast what i thought he felt at that moment. He let go of my hand, I came back to my senses and heard him say "everything will be fine, and thats another promise i will keep."

I sat there for about an hour waiting for him to fall asleep, cried a little and realized that in fact everything WAS going to be fine everything was going to be normal and everything was going to work out just perfect. He's my dad! He never lies and he always keeps his promises. I got up kissed him on the cheek and walked out to the waiting room.

I sat there for thirty minutes with one thing in my mind. His voice was in the back of my head, his words that ment so much to me branded so deeply that I sarted to believe that in fact everything will be fine. Then after ignoring reality, my mother comes towards me and my sister sobbing histerically, crying, and screaming. Right after seeing my mom in so much pain and seing the look on her face. I felt like the world litterally stoped, I got up and the drop to my knees and remember yelling out his name "daddy". losing my father at the age of 15 was cursial. I have never felt so hopeless, so empty, so incompetant. After crying for hours the doctor approached my family and said that he died not long after i had left the room. I was there right when he was going away...forever. I was the last one who he said goodbye to.

So, with all this running through my mind. I came to realize last night that I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm scared of believing that "EVERYTHING WILL BE OK" I cant plan ahead, I cant look into the future, beacuse everything will wither away just like he did. I started to believe in his promise and set myself to my own dissapointement.

I have planed my future and my life, because thats they way its suppose to be. This is the way that everyone lives theirs lifes. The only difference in my goals and plans is that thats just what they are...plans. Nothing more. Everything will change and if in fact I do achieve this goals in life. I wont be able to sharish them to the fullest, because just like he dessapeared from my life in the blink of an eye, I can loose everything.

Nothing is forever...i live my life as if everyday were to be my last.


JONATHAN.