wow

so, they are finally here! I didnt have the dramatic reaction I thought I was going to have when I saw them for the first time in five years. How have the changed five years can do quiet alot. It all reflects back as wisdome. I guess I have lost the feeling of having my grandparents around and I cannot believe I have neglected that feeling because quiet honestly it made me realize (i know this wont much sence) how much i have really truely missed them now that I have here with me. but I guess its one of those mysterious ways life works.

all I know is that I'm going to try and sharish this moment that many wont have the oportunity to have. I am grately thankful to God for giving me this oportunity.

JOURNALS, THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO BE SELFISH...RIGHT?

well how excatly would you write a journal without the word I, me, myself, my....me? I mean common!!! A journal is suppose to be all about MOI. So, here it goes!

there will no longer be a me

myself

and I

no more jonathan!

well...not your daily doze of me ofcourse

I am setting flight to a new begaing, hopefully a new possitve and more achieveable life! Im having opportunities set infrom of me on a silver platter! I cant let this go! I mean, who lets go of what they've always wanted. I most certaintly am not letting this oportunity go! i am leaving some good friend behind and I'm pretty sure they all understand the good reason behind it! honestly I cannot wait to go but at the same time I hope my days left here wont go by as fast as they are slipping away right now, well, how it feels that it is. I love my friends dearly! where would I find another Shawn and another Alisha? NOWHERE! this kids are my life! I am who I am thanks to them! i will miss them both dearly! Shawn my right hand my best friend...like I have told him many times before...I am either really lucky or Gods favorite to have someone like him in my life. He's in my life for all the right reasons. My Alisha, she has always been my strong rock, my pillar to lean on when I need to rest the weight of the world on my shoulders.

maybe....

just maybe

I will not be able to handle it

and i will come back to reality....

because at the moment all this seems to perfect to be real

but I will grasp and hold on to it for as long as I can

oportunities come and go

and I cant let this one go!

wish me luck

you will be missed dearly!

love

jonathan.

WHY IS IT NEVER ENOUGH?

I saw the way he looked at them

why cant he look at me the same way?

I saw the way they

looked

talked

moved

and walked.

i tried

as hard as i could to be liked by him

i came out tonight...ready to show him that I was ready

show him that I am what he likes

a simple wave and a simple smile

it was all...all that accured between me and him

i was ready

more than ready

to get his attention

REFLECTION

REALITY

AND

REJECTION

i guess thats the way its got to be

i can change who I am

but I'll never be up to his expectations

one of my smartes moves yet

putting everything on hold


JUST FOR HIM!

it didnt change

not a damn'd thing

loser lose

winners win

i guess its all catagorized for everyone

even me

change who you are

but it wont change the mind of others

harsh reality

a slap on the face

and it made me realize

that I'm not for him.