TORTURE, LIFE IS FEAR

So, I guess its time to confess. I guess i'm suppose to do this as if I was in a AA meeting....hi, my name is jonathan and I'm a homosexual. Yes, I guess its a little too late to be thinking that I'm coming out of the closet...but to some, its a lil tad too early.

My grandparents are coming to town from mexico for a short vist, I can hardly hold a tight grip of the overwhelming feeling. I havent seen them in five years. Alot has happened and alot has to be told.

My grandmother in one hand, she has an idea of whats really going on. I havent really bluntly have told her that I, her grandson doesnt really have the attraction for the opposite sex. She hassels me about not having a gf, she compares me with my other cousins (male cousins). the only reason why I tell her that I dont have a gf is because I carry the Masias gene on my granfathers side of the family. All but one is married and thats my grandfather.

she laughs and says that thats not a way to live. well, I agree, it isnt. I dont want to grow old and have noone by my side. thats just a fictional thought as I am capable to love and to be loved in return. But, to them love can only be shared between a men and a women..."true love".

My grandfather is who I fear the most. He fallows the bible down to the last punctuation. I can hardly immagine what his reaction would be. If he would love me still, if he would look at me the same way he did five years ago, will he still grab my nose and prettend he has it in a tight grip between his fingers? yes, he did that when I was 16 and it got me...it made me laugh and giggle. I love him with all my heart, he is as a matter of fact the only father figure I have in my life. as we all know, my father hasnt been part of my life since I was 10 so the only person I could turn to was him.

the only rejection that will haunt me for EVER will be the one coming from him. I want him to accept me for who I am. He once told me to show my true colors and I am willing to show and let him know who I am. I'm scared, I fear that I will lose the only love that I know is genuin from a male figure. My grandfather, i wouldnt know what to do without him.